When We Treasure the Dead

I believe it’s common in all cultures to not talk ill of the dead.
2 years ago after the loss of an aunty, I realized another reason why we tend to talk well of the dead, it’s the same old concept of seeing people’s worth once they leave.
While living, this aunt was a great gossip and it overshadowed her good nature of always helping others and providing food for pretty much anyone at any time. In death, we will sit and say “if this person was around, she’d have cooked us something”.

But this post is about something somewhat different. Maybe entirely different.

Years ago, I observed from family movies, particularly those featuring a single parent household as a result of death, the worshipping of the dead parent.
When it’s a father that’s dead, one will see a child constantly disrespecting the mother, acting up and proclaiming how dad was the one parent who truly understood them.
When the dead parent is the mother, usually the child is a young girl who is trying to follow the footsteps of the mother or do something to honour their mother’s memory.
Fathers apparently are the eternally loving parent, alive or dead.

I didn’t like these narratives very much, because usually the living parent(mostly mother) is perpetually bad, while the dead one remains an angel. It overlooks the part that the dead parent, had they been alive, will likely disapprove of the child at some point too.
Had I lost my parents when I was younger and basically didn’t do anything that they didn’t approve of, I would have thought them the perfect parent who loved me unconditionally.

Really though?

Outside of movies, I’ve listened to people in my life and community as well as online, express only positives about a dead parent and how much they miss them and are unable to get over the death.
And usually as I listen, I will be wondering in my head if this parent would support this child of theirs now as an adult making decisions that comes easy because of the absence of said parent.

When an adult has expressed relief about the death of a parent, it’s either because the parent was old, suffering from terminal illness, or was an abusive parent.

But are there regular people who sometimes think a parent’s death would bring them some relief?
With all the number of people expressing the dysfunctional relationship they have with their parents, you’d think some of these people would feel freer, even if it’s just begrudgingly admitting it, when a parent died.
Not for any reason other than they don’t have to live their life so carefully anymore.
That they don’t have to be so cautious of disappointing them anymore.

Or do all these people suddenly feel after a parent dies that the parent understood them and actually connected with them?

Sometimes, people who had a really bad relationship with a parent suddenly become interested in bonding with them while the parent is dying or in their death.
Maybe the permanence of death brings it on.
Or maybe it’s easier to forgive the dying.
It is surely easier to assume the dead forgives you when you try to mend relationships across realms.

Nobody hates the dead, it makes no sense.
Spiritually, one wants to have a loving ancestral relationship or make it into heaven by not having negative feelings for anyone.

My parents disapprove of me engaging in ancestral spirituality so much. Sometimes I wonder if they die before I do, and hence leave me freer to explore openly and in-depth into this space, will I then try to connect with their spirits as ancestors?
Will they suddenly on the other side understand me and engage with me through the thing they disapproved of?

I think for my part, yes I will try to connect with them through this thing they hate. Because I will assume that they know better now being on the other side and fully support me. I will assume and go ahead operating in that assumption even though I would be aware logically that I might be wrong.

But that’s the good thing about the dead, another reason why we worship them.
The dead cannot argue.
They can’t approve or disapprove.
They are only what we say they are.

So yes, your dead parent would support you to be a creative earner.
And understand why you are getting a divorce.
And be happy you are practicing spirituality that calls to you.

I get overwhelmed a lot of late. And sometimes, just sometimes…I blame my parents and I think what I’m inferring but too much of a coward to put into writing.

Sometimes I blame myself too, for not being mature enough for my age. That I am the one letting them have that power.
Sometimes I think when I get older, or get married, or that it’s a gender thing, or it’s cultural background.
Then I come across older people, married people, parents, opposite gender, from all over the world, expressing they have to endure some level of discomfort, physically or mentally, because of the fear of parental disapproval.

So my mind goes back to the parents and the crippling fear they’ve instilled in us, in me from childhood.

Even though I know the intent behind their words.
Even though they don’t really interfere as much as I make it up in my mind.
And they will be shocked to know the things I think about them sometimes.
That they will see no fault at all on their part, and they may be correct.
Yet sometimes I think these thoughts.

Having such thoughts is not that safe either. First you feel real awful for having the thought
Should a parent die after such thoughts, I imagine one is going to be engulfed in guilt for a very long time. Especially if they should feel very opposite to what they thought they’d feel after the incident.
And worst case scenario, thoughts may fester into actions..and one goes too far.

After crying for however long today after an interaction between me and a parent, I looked online for some comfort, to assure myself it is normal. I came across this post which helped. And wrote this, because this helps too.

My parents are alive and I am grateful for it. I only pray I learn to outgrow some of the imaginary hold they have on me.